You're sure about that? Really? Think that's gonna work?

"I always thought you were the bad boy!"
"OMGosh! No way! I thought you were the bad boy!
"This is sooo funny! Hey! Remember when used to think of new ways to trim facial hair?"
"I totally forgot about that! That was sooo fun! We should totally start that trend up again."
"Totally."


I'm taking cheap shots today. It's my last weekday before school starts and I'm feeling snarky.

Our Blessed Patron Saint of Excellence in Motherhood, Dina Lohan, thinks she's got a great idea.

She says, "Lindsay's friends call me the 'white Oprah (Winfrey)' because they all come to me with their problems. I'm like the mom of these kids in the business. I love to talk. I have a talk show in the works..."

I'm picturing how this would work out:

White Oprah: Sooooo....Nicoleritchie....do you think I look fat in these jeans?
Nicoleritchie: (blink blink)
White Oprah: Seriously...we should hang out, right? We have sooo much in common. I'm cool, you're cool. We both know Lindsay...
Nicoleritchie: Somebody promised me a free miniature puppy if I agreed to do this. Where's my puppy??
White Oprah: You go girl! You so crazy!
Nicoleritchie: (gone)

In other psuedo-celebrity news, Nicky Hilton is launching her own line of hotels in South Beach. I don't know where South Beach is but I'm sure my pasty self wouldn't be wanted there. So she's launching this huge endeavor, right? So you'd think she'd hire-oh I don't know-maybe an architect or an engineer or even a jr. high art student to come up with some preliminary models. Nope. CLICK HERE. UH-UHHH. That fool used pink posterboard for her collage representing her hotel. Her collage. Collage. Pink. Posterboard. I'm pretty sure I tried to pull something like that off in high school and got a C. Pink. Posterboard.

Courtney. Courtney, Courtney, Courtney. There's nothing funny about drug addiction. So I'll skip that part. There's a whole lot funny about bad plastic surgery. Francis, on the other hand, looks awesome. That girl's got the sympathy of the world.

So K-Fed is making his first public performance as a rapper closing the Teen Choice Awards. Here's what he says:

"I think I'm going to go for the Oh-my-God factor. That's what I'm aiming for."

Here's my tip: Don't show up. If you're going for shocking, that'll do it. If you must come, I suggest you do a Vanilla Ice/Snow/Everlast medley. And then close with a tribute to Eminem, just so you're keepin' it rrrealll. If you insist on singing your own songs, I strongly suggest hiring David Copperfield to do a mass hallucination trick, convincing the audience you're Mike D. from the Beastie Boys, 'K-Fed?

That's all. No more snarkiness for a month. I swear.

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