Who died and made Kelly Kapowski the fashion queen?

Or maybe I've woken up in an alternate universe where Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn are the ugly ones...and fine Miss Kapowski is the height of loveliness. I'm beginning to think that this is a possiblility.

Remember that our charming town that doesn't boast a Target. Or Old Navy. Or anywhere else that you probably buy your clothes. Remember that we're the crazies who don't have network/cable television in our home. I just want you to keep in mind that I've been in a little isolated for a while.

That being said, at what point did the not-couture fashion industry decide women need to be wearing the fugliest clothes imaginable? Was it six months ago? Because I missed the memo. I strolled through the Target "junior" (or is it missy?) section tonight completely agog. I was literally so horrified that I have to use the word "agog", which a 30 year old girl should never use. Along with the phrase, "Great googly moogly!", which I think I'm going to start using as often as possible, by the way.

Great googly moogly! Those clothes were naaasssty. Quick rundown:

• Tank tops that were banded at the bottom a la ugly maternity shirts of the 80s
• Mini skirts featuring the ever-so-flattering princess waist. Aka the "v" that we were so fond of in Jr. high. The "v" that makes your belly look as big as possible. Because big bellies are cool.
• Lady- neck ties attached to blouses. Like the ones Teri Garr wears in Mr. Mom. Like the ones everyone's mom is wearing in the family portrait taken in 1982. Except my mom. My mom has never worn a lady-tie.
• Knit blazers. Don't ask.
• Jean backpacks
• Skinny jeans with zippers on the bottom. Because who knows when your ankles are going to need to go out for a walk.

This is just what I can remember, my friend. And by the way, we must have some sort of serious homeless problem going on. At least if all the studded hobo bags are any indication...someone should check into that. The hobos need to come pick up all their bags from the Target so the good retailers of the world can get some different purses up there.

So what's the last new thing designers have come up with? I've been wearing capris for almost 10 years now...and those were invented in the 20s? 30s? I've been wearing boot cut, low rise jeans for forever...which I'm sure can be attributed to bell-bottoms of the 60s. Here's my note to Isaac MizNOTti: Just because it was done before, doesn't mean it was cute. Even if it seemed cute at the time, it's not cute now, in 2006. This goes for super duper long t-shirts, ruffled mini-skirts, splatter painted anything, (yes...Target was trying to pull of splatter paint) pretty much anything you could picture Lark Voorhies showing up in.

If we must regurgitate the old, let's stick to the classics. And don't think that just because we like Target that we're falling for zippers on the bottoms of the pants. You'll be clearancing those bad boys faster than I can say "Watch out! Here comes Mr. Belding!"

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