Friday, October 06, 2006

Where have all the Audreys gone?

It's time for a gratuitous exercise in celebrity bashing. I'm thinking of making it a weekly feature. As in, where have all the Audrey's gone? Fridays. Audrey, who exuded elegance, and who's sophistication is decidely lacking in today's celebrity personas. Today I'm going to pick on someone very near and dear to my heart. At least the part of my heart that abhors talent.

How far can one travel on the strength of their personality alone? Let's look at Madonna, shall we? I fall into the avid Madonna-disliker category. Some of you may be now stuffing non-descript envelopes with explosives to send to my door at this very moment. Just pause a second. I'm going somewhere with this.

Madonna, Madonna, Madonna. When I was a little girl, like most little girls, I loved running around singing "Like a Virgin." Rolling around on the floor, crawling in my pretend wedding dress...good times. I adored Madonna. I think I even had a poster of her in my room. Crispy hair, GINORMOUS eyebrow...she was the bomb. When I was eight. Then she went through her clown face stage, and then look-at-me-I'm-hispanic stage, and so on and so forth. So while I was growing up, Madonna was just getting new hair cuts. The media loves to call this "evolving" and "controversial" . I call it "getting a new haircut" and "bastardizing religious symbols for your own promotion." Ouch. Put those bombs away, my friends. I'm still going somewhere with this.

But she pulls it off. She has a couple of dissenters like me, but it seems that most of the world community thinks she's cool and who am I to say they're wrong? Well...I'm Kristi and I say they're wrong, but that's besides the point. Madonna has made an empire based on the strength of her personality. How many of you know 11th grade choir girls who can sing better than Madonna? Don't answer that. What she lacks in talent, she makes up for in bravado.

Where am I going with this? I'll tell you.

Here in the blogging world, there are a handful of people who make their livings off of their blogs. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouf? They don't have real jobs. They blog and their ad revenue makes them enough money to sustain themselves and their families. I know. It's crazy. Crazy-like how do I get on that crazy-train? Apparently it has something to do with something called traffic. It's all a mystery to me.

So in my new-found passion to emulate Madonna in order to generate web traffic, I think I'm going to be making a few changes. For one, I'm going to start mocking all things spiritual by stealing your cultural identity and claiming it for my own. This week I'm Asian. Call me Kristi-San. Next week I'll be Indian. Dots, not feathers. And if you're offended, call Madonna. She's already covered this ground, so it's ok.

Second, I'm going to start writing crappy songs. Here's my first one (to be sung to the tune of Madonna's "Music"):

Hey Mr. Charlie, time to go to school.
It's time to start our homeschool.
Reading...makes the children...smarter...yeah.
Reading...makes the children...smarter...yeah.

Third, obviously I need to be showing some more skin up here. So, I'm warning you now, in the future I will be flashing midriff and possibly boobs if you're lucky. Yes. I know Madonna works out really hard to get those freaky arms that could decapitate small children, but "fitness" is her "look". I can't go for that look because it's her look. My "look" is what I call "not-fit and a little bit flabby." Believe me, there are some people who really go for that. Sickos.

Alright, then. It's the new me. The Madonna-esque me. Let the checks start rolling in!!!!



Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

I liked Madonna, I actually thought she had some talent. Although how come her accent comes and goes? What's up with that? anyway...I'm a little disappointed with her whole Kabbalah craze.

Sorry're going to hell.

10/06/2006 07:10:00 PM  
Blogger allrileyedup said...

You need to adopt a starving child from a third world country, then deny, and claim you're adopting the *entire* country before you can truly pull off the Madonna subterfuge.

10/06/2006 09:39:00 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...

I liked Madonna, too. I liked that "Live to Tell" song. But I think she squanders legitimate talent behind a silly image. Kind of like Rerun from What's Happenin?

10/07/2006 06:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Madonna sucks and not in the good way. I give her props for lasting this long and having more money than I'll make in 20 lifetimes but that's it. I don't think I'll ever get how she's been so successful.

Now, you also need to go and get some of your teeth shaved off so you cna have an uber sexy gap.

10/07/2006 07:07:00 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

Madonna is responsible for me being banned from watching music videos all through my childhood. Thanks A LOT, Madge.

10/07/2006 07:49:00 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

Oh, and I totally forgot my favorite Madonna story - in an interview, she said that she always pees in the shower because that prevents you from getting athlete's foot.
Class. Pure, hellbound class.

10/07/2006 08:28:00 AM  
Blogger ~MissDQ~ said...

Wait, it's posts like THIS that are why I love you.

Don't forget Madonna also had here "I'm an Englishwoman" phase. Wait, she is still in that one. Maybe she is really a savant with a personality disorder.

10/07/2006 09:56:00 AM  
Blogger ~MissDQ~ said...

Riley said subterfuge. She actually used that word in a sentence. I'm so jealous. Maybe I should be reading Webster's Dictionary instead of Buddha and Jesus, Brothers.

10/07/2006 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger Elaine said...

I can't...I can't even type right now....


don't touch me.

10/08/2007 01:07:00 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

It's time for a gratuitous exercise in celebrity bashing.___________________
Lock in your price today for Your favorite

channels - and keep it there until 2010!

7/21/2009 02:33:00 AM  

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